So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
