Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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