Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
P.S. I can't hear my feet
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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