You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
