im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i drank out of a bidet.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
