last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize