I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's never too late to be topless.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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