i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
