Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
