New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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