jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
