I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
