you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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