if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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