The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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