Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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