My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
