Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My pussy is not your playground.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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