I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
