hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
