i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
