I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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