Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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