i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
