remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
