I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
