Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
