I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
