singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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