Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
