Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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