Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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