Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
