Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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