I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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