Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
