When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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