watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
