I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
