I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have tasted many bathrooms
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
