Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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