I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
