Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
