Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
