Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
only if we run a train.
done.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
