After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
