Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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