this just has baby written all over it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
