i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
