i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
