I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
