If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize