I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
