the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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