Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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