Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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